His side of the story
by Myranya
Summary: Major HBP spoilers, so I won't say any more here! Oneshot.


Title: His side of the Story

Warning, major HBP spoilers!

Disclaimer: Severus, Potter, Hogwarts and the rest all belong to JKR. I can only hope this particular plot is close to hers, too.

Category: Angst

One-shot.

Severus swirled the wine in his glass. It was an excellent, elf-made wine of 1969, one of the best years, but it was all he could do to make himself take a sip. Neither the uneventful weeks here at his hideaway, nor his generally low opinion of the abilities of the Ministry and their Aurors could do much to alleviate his uneasiness. He always felt he had to be alert, couldn't afford to dull his senses with alcohol. And, of course, the wine reminded him of that faithful evening, over a year ago.

It would not be correct to say that's when it started. It had started long before. Perhaps when he'd first gone to Albus and offered to spy for the side of the Light. Or even earlier, when he had taken the Mark. He hadn't expected to survive the first war. It hadn't taken him long to find out that being a spy meant neither side ever really trusted you. He could've landed in Azkaban, could've received the Dementor's Kiss, or he could've been killed afterwards by any of the Death Eaters who'd gone free. But somehow, he'd managed to appease everyone, he wasn't killed, wasn't even imprisoned.

It'd been harder when the Dark Lord returned. He'd had a very hard time explaining his absence, his failures. He'd made it sound so simple that evening when he explained to Bella, but the Dark Lord had been harder to convince. The Dark Lord had used the Cruciatus and Legilimency, and had pointed out several discrepancies Bella hadn't even noticed. About Quirrell and the Stone –why would he even pretend to help if he had thought Quirrell was acting alone?-, about the Headquarters –there were ways to get a Secret Keeper to talk, if you were close to him and had an unlimited supply of potions and spells. It was probably then that it'd really started to go downhill.

But still he'd managed to hang in there. All of the next year, he'd walked the line between Albus, the Order, the Dark Lord and the Death Eaters. Gaining information, passing it on, or holding it back and finding a good excuse as to why he did so. And then came the battle at the Ministry.

For a while it'd seemed a gift from Heaven. With several of the Death Eaters imprisoned, and most of those who'd escaped discredited for their failure, his position with the Dark Lord had strengthened. The Dark Lord gave him Wormtail as assistant, enabling him to keep a close eye on the vermin, and he'd been let in on a greater number of plans than ever before. There had been a few incidents –like Emmeline, who herself had agreed he could give away her location when pressed and the moment she'd get his warning she'd _move_, yet somehow she'd still been there. And Amelia Bones; some of the Order had blamed him for not learning of the attack –that had been a spur-of-the-moment thing when another Death Eater had come forward with her location and the Dark Lord had simply gone out with those who happened to be present to take care of her.

And then Narcissa had shown up on his doorstep. And Bella. If only Narcissa had been alone, he could've promised her he'd help Draco without taking the Vow. But Bella had been suspicious. She had seemed almost sane, if ruthless, but he was wary of her as ever. She'd always had a terrible temper and he knew that since her escape, even when she appeared to be calm it was no more than a thin layer on top of a boiling cauldron. If he'd refused, she would've attacked him right then and there. It could've cost him his life, because for all her madness she was strong and quick, and even at best it would've cost him the trust of the Dark Lord. For all his experience in playing both sides, he hadn't seen a way out, so he'd made the Vow. He had known then that it would likely mean in a year's time, he'd be dead. But he'd risked death for sixteen years; who knew what could happen.

He hadn't meant to tell Albus. It was a sign of how much everything was falling apart that he'd let it slip the very next day. He'd gone to Hogwarts to make his report to Albus; to say only that Narcissa and Bella had visited him, that they'd asked him to keep an eye on Draco, and he'd promised to try and keep the boy safe. He'd intended to say nothing more, for even Albus could not change an Unbreakable Vow and what good would it do to pile more worries on a man who already had so many? But as he'd seen Albus' right hand, blackened and shriveled, he had recalled what had happened a week earlier.

Albus had been gravely injured, and had just barely managed to call on Severus through the Floo. He'd rushed to Hogwarts and had done his best to help him. He'd tried a number of counter-curses, a restorative potion, and for a while he hadn't been sure the Headmaster would survive. As Albus had choked on the potion –it had been risky to give him anything to drink, but it had also been his only chance- Severus had thought the man might die right then and there. Of course the potion hadn't killed him, but now, as the sight of Albus' hand showed him how close the Headmaster had been to his death regardless of any Vows or missions, the whole story had come out.

Albus had listened in his infuriatingly calm manner, as always, and finally told Severus that if ever the time came his counter-curses and potions would no longer work, to kill him and keep his Vow. Severus thought it was a repulsive thing to ask so soon after he'd saved him, and he had said so, but Albus had insisted and finally Severus had given in and made the promise. After all, how likely was it they'd land in a similar situation twice in one year?

The school year started, and it hadn't been too difficult to keep Draco from killing Albus; the boy definitely was not up to the task. That became clear to Severus when the Bell girl got cursed in the clumsy attempt to smuggle that cursed necklace into the castle. She would never have made it past Filch's Secrecy Sensor, and even if she had, the chances Albus would have opened any package without checking it were pretty much zero.

The hardest part of the Vow had turned out to keep the blasted boy safe. Draco had not cooperated at all; he'd refused any help, avoided Severus whenever possible, and if it hadn't been for Albus' insane willingness to see the best in everyone, and his hope the boy would be willing to see the error of his ways, Draco would have been carted off to Azkaban –and he would've died- before Christmas break.

Even when Severus had lost his patience and told Draco what he'd promised his mother, the boy hadn't been impressed. He'd behaved like a typical teenage brat –Severus was sure the boy knew what the Unbreakable Vow meant but still he had said "Looks like you'll have to break it, then". Certainly nothing had changed after that confrontation, and Severus had been glad he'd confided in Albus. Otherwise that second really stupid attempt, when Weasley was poisoned, would've been the end of it. Still would've been, if the boy had died. It surprised him to learn Potter had saved Weasley; for years it had seemed Potter wasn't picking up anything whatsoever from his lessons. Of course Potter had been doing better at Potions this year. It was ironic how he'd taught him more with the notes in his old book than he'd ever managed in five years in the classroom, but it figured that secretly and illegally using notes from an old book appealed more to Potter than actually paying attention in class.

So Weasley had lived, and Draco had remained safe. Safe to work on that stupid cabinet. No, he hadn't known about that. Even after the thwarted poisoning attempt, and another confrontation, the boy had stubbornly refused to divulge any of his plans. Severus had been sure any further attempts would be as dumb as the previous two; that had been a serious mistake, he knew now. He certainly hadn't expected the blasted brat to bring an entire army of Death Eaters into Hogwarts.

That final, faithful evening Severus had been in his office when Filius entered in a rush, screaming about Death Eaters in the castle. Filius wasn't in the Order, and Severus couldn't have him tag along, so he'd stunned him and performed a small memory charm. Then he'd found Granger and Lovegood outside his office, and the others, the two Weasleys, Longbottom, and a few Order members battling the Death Eaters in the halls. Whether they fully trusted him or not, they had all let him pass and he made it to the top of the Astronomy Tower in record time. There he had found Albus, slumped against the wall, Malfoy, as pale as the Headmaster, and three Death Eaters, all with their wands out.

"We've got a problem, Snape," Amycus had started to say, but Severus didn't even need the man's words to see what was going on. So this was it then. This was the end. He wondered how many he could take out, and whether the Vow or one of the Death Eaters would get him first.

"Severus…"

Albus had spoken softly, pleading, and Severus had felt a cold dread inside. He'd stepped closer, pushing Malfoy aside and ignoring the others as he studied the Headmaster closely. He had felt more than seen the signs of serious Dark Magic, even before Legilimency had shown him the untouchable poison; the feel of destructive power had emanated from him. Suddenly rage had boiled up in him. No! They'd had their differences; Severus had never completely forgiven Albus for protecting Potter –James Potter- all those years ago, and even later, Albus had sometimes blatantly and openly taken side for Gryffindor, like at the Leaving Feast five years previously. But they'd always sorted it out, and Albus was the only one who truly trusted him. And now…

He knew he had lost his composure; he was snarling and scowling as he fought with himself. How in Merlin's name had he ever gotten himself into this mess?

"Severus… please…"

He had raised his wand. "Avada Kedavra."

He still didn't want to think of what'd happened then. His curse had hit Albus, and the Headmaster had toppled over the battlements, blessedly out of sight.

"Out of here, quickly," he had snarled, grabbing Draco and pulling him along. At least he could save the boy. He'd run down the stairs, uncaring what happened to the three Death Eaters. No one knew yet what'd happened, so both sides once again let him pass.

His mind had been raging; he'd have to get Draco out of the castle, deliver him to his mother and make sure they both flee the country before the Dark Lord heard of the boy's failure. Then, he'd have to go back to Hogwarts and see what could be salvaged there. If anything could, without Albus.

They'd been outside, almost at the gates, when Severus heard Potter's curse behind him. He barely avoided the red beam, turned to give Draco time to reach safety. The Vow was fulfilled, but he'd be damned if he let the boy be captured at this point. Of course, while all students and members of the Order had let him through, Potter had to come after him. The boy had never trusted him.

He'd parried Potter's attack, and the next. It'd been tempting to curse him, but however much he hated the boy he couldn't leave him incapacitated. The Death Eaters were right behind them, and they would finish him off. Not that the boy understood of course. He even challenged him to fight back! Ridiculous it had seemed.

The Death Eaters finally came close. One had fired a curse at Potter, but at a single command from Severus let off. Perhaps an hour ago they would've argued, but now they obeyed him without question. The Death Eaters ran, and Severus would've followed them.

That's when Potter had tried to use his very own curses. All year, and the boy hadn't realized whose book he had been using. He had cursed Potter then; a non-lethal but painful curse, throwing the boy back. There would not be any more Death Eaters coming this way, so he could at least throw him down.

"Kill me, then. Kill me like you killed him, you coward…"

Only then he understood why Potter had come after him. He suddenly remembered there had been two broomsticks on top of the Tower; somehow Potter must've been there underneath that blasted cloak. He'd been ready to die, done the hardest thing in his entire life, and Potter had seen it and, as usual, gotten it all wrong. A coward?

"DON'T CALL ME A COWARD!" Hatred surged through him as he cursed Potter again, using a more painful spell this time, and he knew he was close to losing the last bit of control he had. He wasn't sure what would've happened if that blasted Hippogriff hadn't interfered, but it did, coming out of the night and defending Potter. Severus had run, barely avoiding being slashed by the sharp talons. He'd managed to reach the edge of the school grounds and Disapparated.

He'd delivered Draco to Narcissa, and they'd gone. He didn't know where; all he knew was that nor the Ministry, nor the Dark Lord had found them. If they were smart they had even left the Wizarding World.

And he had gone to the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord had been all praises, willing to overlook even the fact he had let Draco 'escape', and now entrusted him with the most secrets ever. He'd given him this new safehouse, unplottable and warded with protective spells, and he himself served as Secret Keeper. Severus was as high in the ranks of the Death Eaters as he could wish for, if he had wished to side with a madman.

There had been no returning to Hogwarts of course. With Albus gone, and Potter's word against his, he had no chance to ever explain what happened. The Order knew that even Veritaserum wasn't foolproof, if they'd even hear him out long enough to let him take it. No one would ever believe his side of the story.

AN: (That is, no one except for thousands of Snape fans… I hope… For it could've happened like this… Did I forget anything? Any Snape POV's or other direct contradictions? The one thing I am not too happy about is the part about Emmeline Vance; we have heard so little detail about what happened to her, it's hard to make a good case. Is what I wrote too unlikely, should I just play it down to 'taking credit for the information' or something? Or I also thought of this: "Emmeline, who had been about to move and had agreed he give away her old location to appease the Dark Lord. For reasons he'd never learned she had been delayed."

I didn't even mention Sirius; it seems pretty obvious that Severus is taking credit for that while he didn't actually give any information… I re-checked the parts about the Ministry battle and I don't really see what information Snape could've given there, it was the Dark Lord's plans for a trap that led them all there and Snape didn't know until Potter told him in Umbridge's office. Only thing he did for sure was taunt Sirius which no doubt played a major part in why Sirius went to the Ministry instead of staying behind, but I believe he did that just to taunt, same way he takes points from Gryffindor and makes scathing remarks left and right, and it was not part of any structured plan to actually get him out to the Ministry or anywhere else. Note that Severus doesn't even say he persuaded Sirius to go there; he claims it was 'his information' that helped, something for which we have NO indication from any other source.)

AN 2: Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! I am sure glad to see many people agree with me. As I have more time to think about it –and am feeling a little less depressed about Severus being put in this position only to be called a coward :P- I think Albus probably did leave some message behind for one/a few Order member(s), so Severus could still send information about the Dark Lord, and it'd be taken at more value than suspicious anonymous messages would… most likely candidate for that is Minerva. But I'll still leave this story as is for now, for most of it is valid, and he still would not be able to openly contact anyone on the side of the Order so the feeling would probably be pretty much the same.

About the comments made in the reviews;

supersticiousmonkey89, about how Bella remained sane (well, 'sane', sorta at least… as I mentioned I suspect she's not completely stable), I think the Dementors went easy on the Death Eaters because they used to follow the Dark Lord too and would want to do so again if/when he returned. This is pure theory, there's no evidence in the books other than that the escaped Death Eaters indeed seem to function pretty well.

T, I left out the conversation because the snippets Hagrid overheard were really so small I didn't really think it was a definite proof of anything… however yes, that was another hint that Albus and Severus had some sort of agreement about the Vow… Several other people have worked out this conversation, two good ones are "What must be done" by Aurora West and "The hardest thing I've ever done" by Cecelle.

Ivana, thank you! I re-read that part twice and still missed that one line, finally found it with your pointers. D'uh, fixed it. (Kazza, guess I take back that comment, you were right too!)


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